what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
