I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
