The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
