And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
