just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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