glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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