can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
