nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
