would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize