I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
is that a dick in a sweater?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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