You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You ruined the universe
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
