i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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