What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm getting married
To pizza
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize