I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
