Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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