sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
