Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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