Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
