I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
