i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
