Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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