i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize