well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She announced her abortion via fbk
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
