my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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