oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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