Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
