smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
