If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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