Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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