He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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