man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
