who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
