I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize