the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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