I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have tasted many bathrooms
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
