What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
