No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
