Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
