Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize