I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
