So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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