I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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