I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
