I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I am naked and annoyed.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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