i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
