meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
