took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
