you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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