The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
