Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
