Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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