I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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