the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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