My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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