Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
