God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
