If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
